Mother's Whisper

My Mother often spoke in circles. She would begin talking about something and you might wonder how did she get there and where was she going. Regardless of interruptions or changes in topic she was determined to finish. At some point, maybe two hours later, she would pick up where she left off and then the circle would close.
I find myself also doing this. Sometimes I've said to my husband, "Stick with me, I'm coming back around. It will make sense in the end."
My last, best conversation with my Mother was like this. I was alone with her for several hours while she was in the hospital. We were interrupted often by nurses and assorted health care providers. She was so gracious, so easy to care for. She was also determined to finish the conversation she had started.
It began with, "So what do you want to do? Do you think you will return to teaching?" I told her I wanted to do something I loved, I felt that that is what we are all really here for. Teaching wasn't really what I loved to do. Thus began her telling of the story and of the job she loved.
She had been substituting, or as she called it "guest teaching" for several years in the NYC school system. My Mother loved working with children. They inspired her. Her dream was to be a full time teacher and eventually a counselor. She held her intentions, as she would say, in the light. Believing and affirming that she would attract into her life a position she was passionate about.
One day it all fell into place. All the right people appeared and the Universe did truly conspire to give her the most amazing job. She became an Elementary School Substance Abuse Counselor. She traveled between three different schools carrying a bag full of puppets and other tricks. With great heart and passion she led the children through life skills lessons that included decision making, positive alternatives and self esteem. Her honesty, compassion and pure intentions were made apparent by the love the children had for her. She wouldn't say it, but in my eyes she was a success, because she became the person she was meant to be!
Deep wisdom or intuition must have compelled her to once again tell me this story.
I know this because the guidance she offered that day I would need after she was gone.
Recently I expressed to a friend how I came to studying yoga instruction.
I wrote, "I truly love yoga, yet when I think about it, I'm not sure how it will all work out. The thing is, I'm trying not to think about it, I'm just following my heart. I'm trying to keep my conditioned mind and ego out of it and just move forward from my heart. I've never done this before. Everything else I ever did made perfect sense from my mind's perspective. In the end what my mind created and imagined never came to fruition, so I figure why not try another way.
When ever I'm in class I struggle with my conditioned mind telling me: I'm not good enough, I'll never be able to do this. This will be another thing I fail at. But the beauty of yoga is that it is a way of life. Learning to leave the ego behind is a way of life. So yoga, my life and my spirituality go hand in hand. I'm not sure where it will lead me, but in the end I think I will love myself more. If I can give my children this gift, that of self love and acceptance... wow... that would be great!"
So the circle has closed on this last, best conversation. I understand how my Mother got there and where she was going. She was following her heart and leading me to do the same. There have been so many other times I have wanted to turn to her, so many other things I want to talk with her about. Since her death, I have learned to turn within and to listen to the soft whisper of my heart.